i don't feel good,inside out.


u know what?sometimes when u blog something out,about your inner feelings for example especially when u are sad..u tend to wish some special someone will read it and understand how u feel, on the other hand, u also tend to wish some not-so-special or rather annoying someone will not read it..because u do not want them to know so much about u.

i do not wish to turn my blog into an emotional/sad blog.BUT sometimes i just could not help it.I am not feeling good lately because of some personal issues i am having now.i have tonsss of things to worry about except for my studies and my relationship.But in public,u will still see me as a cheerful little girl who talks a lot of craps and laugh a lot. as the time passes by, i think i am getting quite used to it, and i feel that i am really good in hiding my feelings from others(not from the people i am close with though).

yes,i am the girl.The girl who can express herself sooo much that she will express herself in every possible way that she could when she is sad.she is so blessed having so many listeners,so many beloved friends all around her who truly care for her.shes blessed indeed for their time and patient, patient for listening to her problems over and over again and constantly give/repeat/remind of all the advices that they have.

BUT sometime,i mean lately.. shes really tired of expressing herself. Tired of telling others how she feels.Tired of telling others that shes sad. Tired of telling her close friends that she is not okay and explain why. Tired of telling others that she is feeling rather funny deep inside her heart and soul, body and mind..afraid to tell her friends or love ones that she cried herself to bed almost all the nights and even in her shower. Tired of expressing herself to her love one about how she insecure and how distant she feel when the love one is super busy with his studies and stuff.Tired of struggling with that person who always cause a "sien", "beh-tahan" or insecure feeling in my relationship.Tired of waiting and stand by-ing there always for her love ones..she has no words left to express herself.She do think a lot. Think about the life now, the life in the future..think about how others will talk about her and she really do take others' feelings into account..

Is there anyone on this earth understand how she really feels?She wondered.Try look into her eyes and feel how she feels deep inside.she can't even tell herself exactly how she feels now.. emotional? contented? sad? happy? or is she giving up or losing hope? She trying hard to make herself happy, faking a sweet smile and trying her very best to be jolly just to make the people around her feel happy and comfortable to be with her. this is because she needs them.especially her girlfriends,if its isn't for them..she is not herself anymore.

Some friends think that she is stupid, some friends think that she dumb..some friends even think that she will be forever a problematic, emotional person and some friends think that she is strong n special because she managed to hold on until now.

It's all about HER

part1